The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
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