you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
