two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
she peed on how many people?
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
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