I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
