The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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