Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Randomize
