I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
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