bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
Randomize
