we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize