how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
Randomize