you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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