So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Randomize
