White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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