He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Houston, we have a blender
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
I look excited, but its just a facade.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Randomize
