Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Randomize
