How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
I need to stop coming to work sober
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
