I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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