I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
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