Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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