first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
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