There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
