How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
YAS. BRING CRAB.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
