The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Randomize
