god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Randomize
