she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Randomize
