I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
I can't put those talents on a resume
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Randomize
