OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
being pregnant is like rehab
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
