Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
So what's the moral of this story? Aside from 'lesbians hold grudges'?
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
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