No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Randomize
