So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Randomize
