What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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