Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
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