The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
