I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
