The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
