the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
