I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
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