wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Randomize
