I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
She's not a foreskin expert like you
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
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