Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
