let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize
