before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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