The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
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