He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
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