he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
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