Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I just gift wrapped bread.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
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