I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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