quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
