yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
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