Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
Randomize
