This is not my ceiling
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Randomize
