I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
y did u give ur computer a hand job?
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
