Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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