How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
