so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
