i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Randomize
