My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
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