Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Randomize