my soul wont recognize me after tonight
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
Mom said you looked used
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
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