no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
