I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Randomize
